23 June 2006
"COME TO THE ENDING OF ME AGAIN"
photo by me
These Innocence Mission lyrics -- they're ringing achingly true for me lately. Ever feel like you just lose the race and come back to the start line WAY too often? What am I to learn from The Almighty Square One? It's a good place, this fresh-faced beginning, this jumping-off point -- I am always in need of another chance to get it right. But it can also speak in that creaky, nagging, defeating tone that murmurs "Oh look at you, here you are again. When will you learn to stay on track, little dear? Where is your direction, your purpose? What the HELL do you think you're doing?"
I sat on one of those favorite Centennial Park swings of mine a couple of weeks ago and listened to this song. The wind was blowing powerfully in the most splendid way through the tip-tops of the giant magnolia tree over my head, and as I swung/swang/swinged, the metal bars at the top of the swing formed a picture frame around the never-constant image of swaying leaves. As I watched the show, this line quietly screamed at me:
"I know nothing about so many, too many things, I see I've come to the wall, come to the ending of me again."
What am I saying? Huh.......I just really don't think I know. But it feels like a stream of consciousness that I shouldn't ignore, so I'm hurling it out there. Here! Catch! I'm open to feedback. If you want to "add a comment" that tells me I'm a lunatic, I will whole-heartedly agree. You think you might have some insight or similar thought process? Please. Share. What a big, glorious, full world, teeming with things/places/people/tastes/sounds I've never seen or experienced. It's a weighty, awkward burden on my heart and mind -- I want it all. Now. And I don't want to have to be knocked down and go through quite so many do-overs. Not too much to ask, right?
Here's a more complete excerpt of the song in question which might help it all make sense, this jumbled nonsense in my very own head...or you know, maybe it will just muddy the water, but who doesn't love some good, smushy, chocolate-y mud between the fingers and toes every once in a while?........
...And we'll dance through yellow yards, like a dress on the line,
closing our eyes, losing this:
I know nothing about so many, too many things,
I see I have come to the wall, come to the ending of me again.
I don't know. I...no.
What are you saying? Why don't you just...
Isn't this, isn't this funny? All of this:
I know nothing about so many, too many things;
I see I've come to the wall -
I'm turning around now
I'm spinning around now